you may be free like her but you're not.

they make becoming a potential bone marrow donor so simple that it's a wonder why no one thought of this before. i stumbled upon be the match at work, while thumbing through an issue of people. i almost skipped the article then changed my mind and well, i'm glad i did. bone marrow donation was one of those things i've always wanted to look into, but never knew where to start. inspired, i signed myself up THAT DAY. they sent me my starter kit a few days later. as of last week, my dna was off to be tested and will be kept on file until my 61st birthday, when i will be deemed too old to donate. i have so many commitment issues but with this cause, i didn't hesitate. i know the marrow collecting process is more invasive than giving blood but the whole process is nothing compared to what someone in need of my bone marrow may have already gone through or will continue to go through, so yeah...

if we get a match, SWEET! i can help make a real difference in someone's life. if the years go by and i end up being no help to anyone, i know that i at least made an effort and well, it didn't cost me anything. what, a few moments of my time to register? even fewer moments to  collect dna? walking to the mailbox to send off my swabs? oh man, if only all things in life were this easy. the only thing i can think of that's easier is checking the donor box on your driver's license but this way doesn't require me to die to make a difference. i'm not ready to kick it yet but i'm happy to share my life with you.

just checking in. i'm alive and well. miss you....

had never done it before.

why have i never done it before?

more fun than i ever imagined.

it's all i crave these days. i've made two batches this week and it's like i've got a bottomless pit for a stomach. someone is premenstrual or something like it. mmm...rice pudding. and jack in the box.

still around but not into it. the silence has been too easy but the catching up on everyone else's shit i can't give up.

my camera broke. i broke it, it got smashed by my trunk lid in a freak accident and frankly, i'd rather my camera take a blow than my trunk lid. it still takes pictures but the lcd or whatever screen cracked so unless i want to take everything in automatic mode, which i DESPISE, the thing is useless. damn, i burn through cameras. this is not the first time i've done this. :-/ i'm pretty sure both my cameras have met their deaths this way. this one lasted me three years and i've been pretty happy with it. makes me wonder if it's worth it to repair it. probably not...

so much going on i don't want to talk about. nothing bad really but sometimes that old adage of if you can't say anything nice is the way to go.

"so now we've both fucked reality tv stars!"

i almost blew wine out my nose. to which i toast, "to questionable choices but no regrets."

so i'm standing outside a local pizza joint with a group of friends when a guy walking by stops and says, "you're cute! what's your name?" i tell him. he apologizes for his appearance (workout garb/pajamas, black sneakers, no socks, carrying a pair of slacks) then inquires about my ethnic background. it's not any of his business but i tell him anyway. i get an earful about how he doesn't really do the asian thing and only dates white women. that's pretty much all he has to say and he keeps walking.

it was a total wtf moment. it made my night and threw me for a loop all at once. life. gotta love all its quirks.

you know it's almost but not quite payday when i'm throwing random shit together to piece together meals. last time it was freezer surprise. seeing as the freezer is all but stripped bare of anything i'd eat, i rummaged through the pantry for some good eats. sauteed garlic and  canned diced tomatoes with a squeeze of anchovy paste, a handful of capers, a packet of tuna and some crushed red peppers for a kick served over a scoop of brown rice. not something i'd ever feed anyone but it worked in a pinch.

one more day after today and i can purchase a cell phone. stupid technology. 2008 has been a bad year for my relationship with cell phones. 4 phones! craziness.

i don't feel like talking about any other aspect of my life. so i guess this is it for now.

"that's not our car dad, it's too clean!"

on the internet on my vacation. everyone else is asleep and i’m still wide awake. what else is a girl to do? i mean the place is lacking a hot tub. you read that?? no hot tub. there’s a full bar, two computer terminals with free high speed internet, two pools, a ping pong table, and a shrine to the virgin mary but no jacuzzi. at least not one i’ve found...

st. lucia, for lack of better words, is amazing. just the right amount of humid and while it is hot, it’s not unbearably so. our hotel isn’t on the beach but it’s a stone’s throw from rodney bay and it’s a hop skip and a jump from the ocean. it seems it’s mostly it’s just the locals that walk here as we get funny looks from time to time as we wander the streets. it seems silly hopping in a cab to go a few blocks though, plus, it’s beautiful out. and you miss out a lot in a car vs. on foot. take for example, like the guy singing at the top of his lungs while scraping stucco...

i have to type this out somewhere otherwise i’ll forget...

today we did the beach. snorkeling on the southern part of rodney bay then we walked further north on the beach and camped out for awhile. i’ve never been a beach person though i can see the appeal being here. if the pacific were anything like this, i would spend more time in/on the water. i’m only slightly crispy. i was good about reapplying the sunblock but not so good at distributing it evenly on my skin. i’m also mosquito bait. i have a minimum of 15 bites. but i’m not complaining, i swear.

okay i’m officially tired now. i think it’s midnight now anyway, so i should get some rest.

work is really quite unstimulating during downtime. i've taken to reading books and magazines at my desk which i think looks tackier than say, reading a blog. however, i'm not the boss so what do i know. there are worse things than the stupid dns blocker in place in volvoland. it's almost amusing playing what sites will it block today. and i'm getting really quick at both the ny times crossword and the today's crossword published in the classifieds section of the u-t.

i got a haircut. and new glasses. the haircut today, the glasses a few weeks ago. time for lora to update her look. my hair is the shortest it's been in a LOOOOONG ass time. she razored that shit, yo. i wanted something different. piece-y. i closed my eyes and let her hack away at my wings (as i lovingly referred to the front part of my hair, the flippy part that used to tuck behind my ears). i wanted more than a bob, less than a shag and something easy to maintain (the most important thing because i'm lazy!). this is what she came up with:




i like i but it's taking some time to adjust. my hair was getting long for lora standards--almost enough to pull it all back into a sort-of ponytail, and now it's like two inches long. i will appreciate it on vacation. besides, i have the tendency to hide behind my hair and now i'm forced to put my face out there. up next, eye contact! oh! and my gray hairs aren't anywhere near as noticeable, so there's another plus. the frames are by a company called fysh. they're metal with circle cutouts. and they're almost a brick color with eggplant accents.





the rest of my life in a nutshell:

• my friend andrea and her fiancee surprised us all and got hitched last friday.
• i was reunited with long lost friends and the joy of seeing them has carried on into this week even if the last night we hung out we were traumatized by big feather and the apache way.
  
• the sweet and tender intertwined with the rough and tumble leaves me with this longing for more more more. my safety-loving, non-confrontational heart continues to chicken out, leaving things undefined and very...confusing to say the least. the best sex yet? possibly. makes me wonder who's doing the talking here, the heart or the pussy. every time i think it's one or the other, something happens and i keep changing sides. i need to just man up and talk to him already. even the worst case scenario isn't that bad, i don't know what my problem is. CHICKENSHIT.
  
• the volvo is officially out of warranty.
  
• my best friend is squeezing out a kid in two months. two months!
  
• i've lost two more pounds. i think it's all the indoor sports.
  
• i leave for st. lucia on saturday. i'm kind of packed and am not motivated to finish. anyone in san diego have a voltage converter they want to let me borrow? cindy! i have the last book you lent me, would you like to contribute to the lora vacation reading fund? anything you'd be willing to part with, i'd be willing to read.
  
• newest additions to smugmug:
  
  

he is a bed hog.

that's a funny statement from the girl who's been known to steal blankets and leave only the uppermost corner of any given bed free for the other occupant. i've gotten better over the years but it's not something anyone who had to share a bed with me will let me forget.

this morning i woke up perched on the edge of the bed. as in, i was sleeping on a sliver of mattress and the wooden side beam of my bed. i sat up to assess the situation and there he was, sleeping face first on my side of the bed and as a further slap in the face, there too was lucky, snuggled in the curve of his body. just beyond them, a vast, white, valley of 500 thread count egyptian cotton sheet. since he also sleeps like a rock until his alarm goes off, there wasn't much that i could do, other than kick the dog out of the bed (out of spite) and squish into the corner to keep from having to teeter on the edge. ha. now i know how it feels.

the wild, vivid dreams.

last night it was rich kids, alpha female mumbo jumbo, murder/suicide, divine-like mom drama, and a  jack sparrow compass? the other night was all about riding my bike by rob's dad's house and getting pulled over by the police and then someone snipering the police officer. and something about this old inventor man that lived across the canyon. and then there was the dream about tori amos giving me her scarf. seriously strange.

crawled into work today. i'm feeling okay. well, better at least. couldn't handle another day of solitude, holed up in bed.

10 days. 10 freaking days and he's back for the meantime. him in the flesh instead of a brief transmission here or there.

i meant to say something sooner but didn't get around to it 'til now.

Date created:    2001-01-30 11:05:48
Journal entries:    2,074

where did the time go? i've locked up the past but i'm glad i have it as a reference.

did a boat load of laundry today. i've been at it since 2:00. i washed all my bedding (sheets, comforter, blanket, mattress pad) my towels, my pillows, a load of darks, a load of whites (thrown in with the blanket). i was in the process of ironing my sheets and i plan on ironing my work pants in a bit but i'm taking a break because i burned myself on the steam and boy does that hurt like nobody's business...

i pre-soaked and pre-washed the sheets in the bathtub. perhaps i'm a little obsessive but i can't help it if i like my whites white. i just told you i iron my sheets, are you really surprised that i scrubbed them in the tub with a bar of fels naptha and boiling water? if our washer had a hot water hook up, i'd probably skip this step but since we don't, this is what i've got to do unless i decide to take a field trip and go to the laundromat or my folks'. the extra work pays off though, those puppies are near white.

i helped a hooker out today. i was talking on the phone on the balcony and noticed a girl walking in the alley. i heard her first, actually. her stiletto boots made quite a racket on the concrete. she ducked behind a parked car and disappeared for a minute. it dawned on me that she was copping a squat, so i looked the other way (i couldn't see anything but her weave but i was trying to be polite anyway) and carried on with my conversation. i'm blabbing away and she shyly walks over to our building and asks me if i could spare a napkin. she puts her hand up to her face in embarrassment and i tell her to hold on a minute. i run inside looking for something so the girl didn't have to drip dry. i contemplated getting something softer but the paper towels were close and were heavy enough to take the trip down to the first floor. i toss them down to her. she thanked me and disappeared again. seconds later she pops up, tosses the wad of paper towels in the nearest dumpster and walks down the alley back toward the boulevard. a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, right?

the flood gates have been opened and i don't know if i like all the attention.

it's weirding me out. what the hell? i'm not complaining in the least. i mean, it's flattering and all but i don't know how i feel about all this. it's...strange.

i miss my saddle. i wonder if he misses me...

there was a guy in the dumpster when i came downstairs this morning. one of the neighbors keeps forgetting to lock up after taking out the trash and this is the second time since sunday i've caught someone digging around in our dumpster. it kind of bothers me this keeps happening but if someone really wants to be knee deep in cat shit and rotting food, who am i to stop them?

he's completely unaware that i'm standing there. i clear my throat, nothing. finally i say, hey i need to put some garbage in there and he he says oh let me get my bike and hops out. i drop my garbage in the bin and as it falls i hear a familiar clink. my keys are no longer in my hand but resting in a mound of shredded paper in the corner of the dumpster. FUCK! the dude is still there and offers to retrieve them for me but i can't ask him to do that. he hopped on his mongoose and pedaled away.

i had the foresight to unlock my car (coincidentally parked next to the dumpster) prior to depositing the garbage and i quickly rummaged through my trunk to find something to fish out my keys. i find one of these, leftover from the impromptu trips to the beach with bj days:
.
perfect! or so i thought. it was long enough to reach down there but i could quite scoop up my keys. it was like that quarter game with the crane--so close but so far. i finally gave in and hoisted myself up so i could reach in and grab my keys. please don't fall in the dumpster head first, please don't fall in the dumpster head first...

i lucked out. i was able to reach my keys while balanced on the edge of the rim and the freshly shredded paper was dry and not coated in used cat litter or some other nastacular substance.  i've always heard of people finding cool shit in the garbage but you know, it's never been an activity that has ever interested me. it's a totally lame visual with the motivational crap but this was totally me this morning:
.
i feel really dirty now.

anyone out there have any american airlines discount codes they want to throw my way?

nevermind, i got one. 5% isn't much but it's better than nothing!

follow up appointment today.

she was running behind schedule but she is worth the wait. she apologized and said, i know you waited so i'll stay as long as you need me, i'm all yours. we talked about what's going on about the blood tests and about the ultrasound results. she said i have polycystic ovaries which isn't a terrible thing but a catch-22 because things can improve with weight loss but the cysty ovaries make it harder to lose weight. she's not like most kaiser doctors that make you feel bad about being fat. she advised i go back on the hbc and said this all wasn't a huge issue unless i wanted babies right now. since i am not looking to squeeze out a kid any time soon, i shouldn't worry too much. at least for now. another follow up in three months.

okay. bed time.

whoopi-ty-aye-oh
rockin' to and fro
back in the saddle again
whoopi-ty-aye-yay
i go my way
back in the saddle again

ha. that song's been stuck in my head for a few days now. that and aerosmith. they alternate.

i've been trying to piece this entry together for days now. i think i'm just gonna leave it at that.

tori amos freaked out on a couple audience members at last night's show at copley symphony hall. it happens about 2:20 into the video. from what i gathered the girls weren't really into the show, just into taking pics of themselves and getting drunk. there were a lot of those people last night but these two women were sitting in the front row. it was kind of strange, to have an artist or band or whatever stop in the middle of a song. damn. it was a decent show. too much band for my tastes but i've always liked her pared down music. the sound seemed off for awhile too but got better several songs in and the girl was no longer being drowned out by the band. i was a little disappointed at first because copley is a great venue. this was my 5,000,0000,000 time seeing her and while it wasn't my favorite, there were some pleasant surprises tucked in there. hey jupiter, precious things, and leather, off the top of my head.

anyway. my #1 crush surprised me yesterday and i lost my shit yet again. we ran out of something and he hadn't mentioned we were short, so i put in a call. i got his voice mail and left a non-retarded message. it took me a day and a half to make the call. i was expecting a call back but instead i found him standing at my desk an hour and a half after i called. i didn't blush immediately but did as soon as i opened my mouth to speak. he tells me he was glad i called and he was in the area and he had this for now but my stuff would be in maybe friday. being speechless and flustered, i didn't give him much with which to hold a conversation... oh well. perhaps tomorrow i'll be a little less scrambled, a little less giddy. must convince myself he has a girlfriend or is unavailable or something. it will help make it easier.

must.stop.thinking.

where is the time going?

2007 is flying by at warp speed. i don't mind much but sometimes i feel like i'm standing still...

transabdominal and endovaginal pelvis ultrasound a week from tomorrow @ 9:30 pm (!?--i guess they're so busy they work after hours...). even with the doc's reassurances i'm still a bit worried. i keep forgetting to take the meds she prescribed. taken. 10 mg medroxyprogesterone acetate tabs once daily. hmmm...not looking forward to possible side affects but the hormones just may kick start the menses. shit, i'm supposed to take a fasting blood test thingy as well. maybe i'll do that tomorrow @ lunch.

thinking out loud.

otherwise, life is pretty boring...i'm working a lot, though it doesn't seem like any more than usual. maybe because i'm still finding time to play and time to do chores. a little time management never hurt anyone, right? i still slack off plenty but i'm trying not to live in complete filth. it's mostly just me here and the place is a sty. not exactly doing the best i can, but little by little it is looking better. today i cleaned the floors in the living room and put the rug back (removed weeks ago in the case my parents were evacuated and bj, the area rug pisser-onner, came over) and sorted through the mail that was taking over...when you aren't getting down and dirty, may as well clean, right?

la la la.

i'm over this now. back to putting stuff away.

nothing's what i've got now. but i'm making use of the free time. i put the dishes in the sink away. well, pots and pans, not dishes. i cleared the counter, polished the sink and contemplated polishing the countertops but then laziness took over. i purposely skipped napping earlier in an attempt to avoid this but apparently it's unavoidable.

this is not good. the anxiety's kicking in. all evening it's been heavy in my chest. i don't know what's going on here and that worries me. it will be better tomorrow. that's all i can hope.

now to make another attempt. horizontal position + eyes closed will eventually = sleep, right?